Feliz Cinco De Mayo

Or as my friend said yesterday on May 4, happy star wars day, May the Fourth be with you!

Another interesting day off and overall positive end to a positive weekend. Went to the ballgame. Mom ended up joining which was cool. A little extra mom time never hurts in the start of May.

Then went to rehab. Not the club. And when they tried to take me, I said no no no!

I happen to know someone that is currently in rehab for whom I care very much about. I had the chance this evening to go see her but as part of the visitation, I had to endure a 90 minute group meeting without her but with other addicts' family and friends. It was, naturally, a bit heavy. What was moving about this environment was seeing first hand that the loved ones of addicts suffer just as much as the addicts themselves. This wasn't news, but being in an al-anon type meeting really brings it to life.

There was a couple who were seriously affected by their daughter/step-daughter, who was recently 'welcomed back' to an in-house program... for the third time. Her father had had enough but was thankful that his wife was still supportive of him as he did his best to get his baby girl back on track... There was another couple, similar, but she had already lost a loved one to addiction and stated that she did not have the strength to even support her husbands support of his daughter suffering from addiction.

Suffice to say, it was intense. I left the meeting after having a terrible cup of coffee begging for some Bailey's and Jameson!...and who could forget the Guinness!


I kid. I wasn't jonesin' for a drink but it certainly was a double dose of reality. It reminded me to be thankful for what I have, and what I don't have. Life is challenging enough being a semi-grownup. It must be way more challenging for a girl who has never known independence, and only dependence on terrible things that my father was able to shield me from.

I asked her if she thought her rehab was worse than what I went through in Bakersfield. Not really a fair question considering divorce and rehab are very different regarding recovery even though both significantly suck! I don't know if I believe her, but she said she preferred where she was to the short life I had in B-Town. This is why I don't trust her.

But today is but a mere stepping stone toward tomorrow. And those stepping stones tend to lead to something great, like the controls to a jacuuzi!

Tomorrow will always be better!

May 3, just before tomorrow

The last 24-30 hours have been a whirlwind to say the least. Monday had me stessed and jacked up and so I decided on a near whim to take off to LA. It was not far from any regular day off except that I enjoyed a sunny sky with a high of 75 instead of 95. (gotta be honest, can't easily say which I'd prefer) Also, I got to see my bro and folks, which actually means more than I tend to let on. I told my dad about my troubles and tribulations for a bit, then remembered that the reason I left home was to put my troubles on hold. What a lesson learned! You're the only one that can resolve your problems... friends and family can make the challenge a bit easier but essentially you will make the decisions necessary to make it through.

I am so obsessed with positivity! Call me an addict but it is always the answer. My walls can be crumbling and while scared, I will still find comfort in knowing that remaining positive will get me through the night. Life is never easy but life experience up till now has made me strong enough to take on the next... as it has for all of us.

Every day is a preparation for tomorrow. Today is tomorrow's prequel, set it up well. Tomorrow is less than 24 hours away, get ready now!

I am smiling today, to give tomorrow a warm welcome.

May the second?!

24 hours have already passed me by?! I think I've --- I interrupt this blogcast to note that "don't stop believin" has just come on my pandora. Anyway, I think I haven't followed my own advice for far too long. I think I'm just living life on auto pilot, on default. I need to change that. I need to start living life on purpose, deliberately. My country has just produced a major success that cost more than time and effort. So I think I can produce a minor success each and every day hereafter.

Our leader sure makes us all feel proud to be American whether we support him or not. I realized or remembered tonight that it doesn't matter who you are or where youre from or what your birth certificate states, you can produce results and prove yourself worthy. But I also learned something else about courage and bravery:

At one time I was flattered enough to have a nickname of 'superman' because of my glasses and hair I guess. It didn't go to my head but it did make me think about what I might have in common with the greatest of superheros other than glasses and a decent haircut. I asked myself if I would have what it takes to do something heroic like superman. Would I be able to bolt into a burning building? Would I be willing to take a bullet for someone I didn't know in a bank robbery? Would I be brave or strong enough to do any of these or other possibly detrimental things to care for others? I think so, actually. And this begs the question, would Clark Kent? If he weren't indestructible and all powerful, would he still be so strong and brave? Perhaps. But, we'll never know.

I just find comfort in knowing that bravery is not measured solely by what you fight for, but also by what you stand to lose in the fight. A real 'superman' stands to lose more than he has to gain in any challenge.